Fallton Havenstonne

Every five years, we end up in different places in our lives whether that’s economically, socially, geographically, professionally . . . even in terms of our goals (i.e. whether we accomplished them, or the ones we set for ourselves).

Of course, a lot can happen in a year or two, even three, but in five years, it’s as if we lived a different life, had a distinct mindset and outlook that was unique to us then. Five years ago, I was in a completely different place in terms of my outlook and focus compared to where I am now.

I would say as time progressed, I became more focused on the practical side of life, focusing on daily routines, organization, chores, etc., whereas before, I was more focused on reading literature, learning about the arts, creating art, etc. And if I were to go back another five years from that point in time, I was even more focused and immersed in the arts, learning from books and reading and discovering different authors.

As I go back every five years in the reservoir of my memories, it all seems like a lifetime ago, although it’s not. In the span of each five year interval, so much has happened, and there seemed to be all the time in the world in each and every moment, but when we look back on it from the present, it all happened so fast, kind of like a distant and fading dream.

When you know you have something but you can’t find it, it can be a perplexing and confounding experience. As you look under every possible rock (metaphorically speaking, of course), and you still can’t find it, you try to think back to when you last saw it, where you might’ve put it.

I had this experience recently with a tool I was trying to find. I clearly remembered holding it in my hand and putting it away inside of a bin. But when it came time to get it, it wasn’t where I thought I had put it. It was like it got up and walked away on its own like it was playing hide and seek.

I searched everywhere for it, going through bins and drawers and whatnot, and no matter where I looked, it wasn’t there. Then a thought dawned on me: had I thrown it away? Did I accidentally throw it in the garbage bin, thinking at the time that I wouldn’t ever need it? Besides, what other explanation was there? I didn’t let any one borrow it. I didn’t take it anywhere. And it couldn’t have just walked off on its own.

After an exhausting search that led me no closer to finding it, I decided to replace the tool and ended up buying a new one. I wonder if it will turn up one day when I’m not even trying to find it. It might turn up as I’m casually rummaging through boxes and bins as I’m finding something else. It’s happened before, or maybe, just maybe, it was really good at playing hide and seek.

When I keep myself busy, I know I’m being productive, and when I’m completing tasks on a to-do lists, whether those are chores or fixing things or organizing my space, there’s a sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing that I’m being productive and utilizing my time wisely.

Of course, there are limits to how much we can stay busy, because staying too busy can lead to burn out, exhaustion, and a sense of restlessness. Time needs to be set aside for rest, relaxation, and recreational activities, such as exercise, sports, and or hobbies. But even those have their limits as well, since too much rest, relaxation, etc., can lead to a general sense of boredom, lethargy, and a feeling that time is passing by without making the best use of it.

Staying busy is one of those things whose meaning varies depending on how you look at it. Does it mean a day filled with long hours of work, a schedule full of activities and a long list of to-do items, or does it mean keeping the mind and body busy, of not letting each day pass by without completing something that is important and fulfilling?

There is something to be said of each of these, since work can keep our minds active, give us a sense of purpose, and completing activities or to-do items can keep us on track of what we need to do so that we’re not forgetful about things. But when we’re pursuing something we’re passionate about, it’s a different kind of busy, since it doesn’t seem like something that’s busying us, but that by pursuing it, we are staying busy.

When we select goals, we are careful to not choose ones that are beyond our means and impractical, since such goals can discourage us overtime. Even though we want the rewards that come with surpassing expectations, of achieving greatness, it’s not as simple and straightforward as we would expect. In fact, after we realize how challenging and overwhelming some goals can be, not to mention how much more work is required of us than what we initially expected, we might begin to second guess ourselves, perhaps even set those goals aside.

Selecting goals is one of those things where they have to be tailored to what we’re passionate about, and reevaluated from time to time so that we’re not burned out or prone to giving up in the process of achieving them. It’s easy to capriciously select goals that seem achievable and extraordinary, but in actuality, putting the work and time into them is an entirely different story. We might begin to lose interest and motivation after awhile, or something else might come along that will draw our interest away. Or it could be the fact that we still have a lot to learn, or we need to develop a routine and become disciplined before we can even achieve those goals.

In addition to all of this, we have to pursue them for the right reasons. Are we pursuing the goals to impress others, to achieve fame, or are we pursuing them because they’re rooted in what we’re passionate about, in where our interests, creativity, and intellect lie?

There are times when I’ve asked myself: “What have I accomplished?”

It’s a question whose meaning and answer depends on what a person defines as an accomplishment, because for one person, writing a book is an accomplishment, but to another, it’s not enough (meaning, they should’ve written two).

But two isn’t for everyone. It could take a writer years to write a novel, or even a decade. Who knows how much work and time they’ve put into it, how many drafts they’ve written, how many roadblocks they’ve stumbled upon in the writing process. They don’t want to rush publishing a story that they’re not happy with, a story that still needs work. To them, finishing that first draft is an accomplishment in and of itself.

In a way, our answer to that question is more telling about ourselves than what we’ve actually accomplished. If we’re extremely hard on ourselves, or hold exceedingly high expectations, then whatever we’ve accomplished might never be enough. But if we know how hard something was to achieve, not to mention the successes we made along the way, then at least one thing we’ve completed from start to finish is surely enough, surely worthy of an accomplishment.

Time can go by so fast when we’re trying to get a lot of things done, especially when we’re on a time crunch. It’s like every minute we think that has past was actually five minutes in real time. And when time is up, it’s like that last hour or two was a blur–fractions of moments and events that, when added up, only come out to a few minutes.

When I say to myself, “Where did the time go?” it’s usually toward the end of the day. At the end of the day, we can rest, reflect on what transpired from morning till evening. It all seems episodic, like clips from a movie trailer in which we remember the highlights, but don’t actually remember being at those specific scenes. The time flew by so fast that we thought we had blinked and missed something, but the reality is that our experience of time is more like a daydream than a detailed account on a ledger or in a book.

Each day, time marches forward, never backwards. We can’t rewind it and correct our mistakes, nor can we rewind it to analyze how we experienced the past. All we have are memories of it, but even they are just interpretations based on our mode of perception at each and every moment.

That saying, “Where did the time go?” is paradoxical, since we know where it went: it goes forward–forward in the sense of transitioning from the present to the future. But what we mean when we ask ourselves that is how did we lose track of time, why did we spend so much of it trying to get things done, trying to do everything at once, when all we wanted was a break?